On the Lighter Side
Some humour and puzzles - it's good to laugh and relax!
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...
Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to copy it. You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author."
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with petrol just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
23rd Psalm – New Millennium PC Version
In these days of increasing sophistication in our language and jargon which overflows into almost every area of our lives, we feel sure a new millennium version of the Bible will be produced incorporating much of this modern language - perhaps it will be called the NMV New Millennium Version. And the 23rd Psalm could never be the same again - It may sound something like this...
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need.
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity directionally parallel to a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non-illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state. You design and produce a nutrient bearing furniture type structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.
The Woodpecker might have to go!
Jewish Olympic Swimmer